we discover and rediscover ourselves every day. we will continue to grow in our pale walls, we will grow more colourful and more complex, more wiser about ourselves and our relationships. with birds and clouds.

sometimes I don't answer letters on purpose that I just don't want to answer in order to avoid something that I don't know yet. or I just don't want to meet someone. or I just don't know how to meet them in a proper way.
it is almost the same with calls too, for example, this guy I dated once, this terribly boring person with some terribly awkward opinions continues to call me and I never pick up. I just look at my phone in disgust and even turn down the volume. and then the inevitable usually happens - you suddenly meet this person on a street, actually this truly hopelessly relationships seeking person turns out of the blue and there is no where to hide, he comes over and asks why haven't you answered my calls and offers to meet again and my smile is something between confusion and unpleasant stupefaction and I just hear my voice saying: ''Of course, maybe we could meet sometime''; although, I really don't want to go out or see him ever again.

but very rarely I miss calls I have been waiting for. like today. I missed three calls. I didn't hear them somehow. maybe it was cat's fault because cats appear to be good noise demfers actually when they sleep on something or someone.

when I am being lazy...

and again I have been very lazy all day long watching anime series ''Fairy Tail'' and having done just one or two things out of ten that I had planned to do.

what dreams may come?

tonight I had a really strange dream about a family party in my grandmother's house. strangely, but there were a lot of Romans (a nation of gipsies wide spread in East-European countries, not the people of Rome). I even had a Roman - boyfriend. and we went to a tattoo artist - there were lots of them, so I couldn't choose the best one. and I didn't know what kind of tattoo I want. when I sat down to look for one, Dambis (Latvian punk rock scene legend) came in and told everyone that he wants to get a new tattoo. he undressed quickly, sat on a chair with legs opened (and I feel blessed that my look in the dream didn't reach the things between his legs) and one of tattoo artists just asked him: ''Do You want to continue the tattoo on Your balls?'' unfortunately, this funny scene ended, and my subconsciousness slipped away to something else - winter and me, driving  a car or some kind of vehicle. and accident happening with others (they fell into a massive hole near my granny's house. actually, I have dreamed about that hole for years - sometimes it's a pond with a black water, sometimes - just a hole or a cave.

and a completely  to the dream unrelated song crossed my mind:

stupid thoughts.

the rooms are hot and

Joyful
Eden's
Air
a Little
Outrages
Uneasy
Soul.

my smartphone's battery is dead. but I have dreadlocks. still I can't call You through them.

so kanashii.

urayamashii.

I thank Universe for giving me You.

when being with You I don't care about the crippled animals and disabled persons, and different kinds of pollutions. and even my fear of barriers have gone away. I can rest my head on Your shoulder and leave all my worries behind.

sprouts.

it is so sweet to fall in those depths of Your eyes and the smell of Your skin will soon be my addiction. Victoria falls, Niagara falls, Amalie falls. but this falling is inexplicably awkward, because it's spring not fall and leaves and other green sparkling beauties cannot wait to pop out of their caves. and start their way towards the sun that holy light  cherishing every living thing under its wings.

[15.04.2013.]

what did the Brothers Grimm intend with their fairy tale "The Sleeping Beauty"... could it be that the essence of the story lies in fact that someone's beauty is being awakened...

***

we are too different. B. and Amalie. Amalie has no doubt about herself, while B. can lose her courage easily. B. isn't much to look at, while Amalie is something one can get lost in. B. likes to argue, Amalie listens carefully, shares her arguments and stops if she's wrong.

both of them cry. quite often. the reasons remain unclear.
it's a very silent sadness deep within.

how to.

On the whole, April has been a very creative month. A lot of new ideas, a lot of peaceful and lovely evenings wrapped in warmth.

I have learned how:
* to bake choco-muffins (and they are tasty as hell);
* to work in e-environment with a bunch of strangers and make drama happen;
* to manage my lessons better.

Still have to work on:
* how not to stalk that totally moronic person (why am I so interested in those thoughts, I have no idea);
* how to forget past, how to not think about it (that could go with the first in this list);
* how to not engage in dead-end discussions with my pupils;
* how to switch off from work.

lovely

despaired kitty.

my neighbor's cat excitingly rubs against anything it can reach. it not only demonstrates itself on my bed, but as well tries to seduce my laptop. meow meow. spring continues.

traš.

I am so exhausted by diving through this day; tired, disappointed and sad. it seems that I suddenly have become the worst person ever lived in my world. well, just maybe the worst. dear hyperbole, I can't get enough of you, can I?
and there are no private lessons today. my client cancelled it.
I am sitting in my room. I have lost some weight because my corsets do not fit me.
and I am swimming again through Fairy Tail episodes, as well as looking for something nice to listen to.

probably, one of the funniest names one can call a band - Seagull Screaming Kiss Her Kiss Her

ANGEL

"the arms of the ocean are carrying me"

I feel emotionally fragile.

despite the snow outside.

* awesome weekend and Easter holidays that began with the moving into my new place.
* I really don't know how to characterise my feelings. it's spring (and I recall Tom Lehrer's "Poisoning Pigeons In The Park" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNA9rQcMq00 , although, I don't have any kind of passionate wish or disposition to do so), and something really sweet and warm is blooming in my heart. I long for him, for his scent and voice, and the way he makes me smile.
* and the nicest part is that he inspires me and I am already thinking of all the cute stuff we could do together.
* and today I took a lot of beautiful and hot photos of that awesomely cute kawaii man.

animal insticts and living in each others' skin.

this morning I remembered watching a really beautiful video on vimeo.com some time ago. and I watched it again. I love the black&white and how the focus is being changed in this piece and the facial expressions of both characters and touches; and every little bit of this all so realistically portrays how animalistically one can love, how every inch of skin of a lover is caressed, and how greatly we fall for these little things in each other, and the music accompanies everything perfectly and creates a very melancholic and moving mood.

 enjoy:
DURKHEIM

I tend to stalk persons who I like. I cannot even avoid doing that. I try avoiding but eventually I find something and then I read it, and then I have all these stupid thoughts and doubts. I just have to get rid of them because he is amazing and beautiful, and we can talk nonsense together (and that's quite important for me - sharing the nonsense).

Still, I have to learn to trust others because at the moment the only person I trust is myself.

random thoughts.

can't wait for your lips to mark my skin with quiet and soft kisses.

***

apart from the spring and birds chirping and tweeting in my mind, sometimes i feel heavily depressed and miserable. i shouldn't feel that way. i should be happy about soon having a space/room/environment/ whatever place for my whatever thingies in/ under which i could hide myself if i start thinking literally.

***

spring holidays are knocking at my door with those ice-cold knuckles and morns.

***

would You mind passing me all of Your warmth?
would You mind passing me all of Your soul?
would You mind passing me all of Your flesh?
would You mind passing me Your thoughts?
would You mind passing me Your ideals?
would You mind passing me Your opinions?
would You mind passing me my own  emotional appearance  from Your point of view?

How many birds have built their nests in my head?

questions from the paranoia-possessed girl.

Oh, Yes, I Do.

inspiring as it is. and so characteristic of me. so true and sad as well. it is always nicer to meet than google. or     take a little glimpse at somebody's facebook page.


''I do, I Google you
When the day is done and everything is through''


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5ErKq4o4sQ

bitch.

You would not love me if I were not a bitch full of juicy venom and cheerful depression and mostly talking of myself as if I was some kind of a centre. I am. You know that. I do not walk around others.  I imagine that they walk around me, and it’s me that they want to get by, but I stop them for a second because I am so fantastically different and white – that discontinuous line in the middle of streets and motorways.  Like an emphasis. They gaze back at me. And at the same time I strive to be so naive and cute and decorate myself with cats and teddy bears and I would love to cover myself in chocolate for others to talk.

But then - I am the one that actually runs after others, seeks for attention and company, and warmth that could cover me and be my breath for eternal hours of soft sleep.

Happy New Year!

The first born post, the first bloom of this blog. There is a lot of snow outside, but I am remembering summer and those moments when I wore nothing but nakedness and freedom, and on a grey summer's day adored trees while walking in pinewoods together with photographer Arnis Krūmiņš.

Trees 2012 by Arnis Krūmiņš